Seems I’ll never wake from this nightmare, I let out a silent prayer: “Let it be over”
It seems as though when things are finally looking up, there’s always someone or something that comes along with the sole intention to knock me back down.
Some of you reading this may have heard an account of my most recent fall from grace from someone whom I’ve had nothing short of a tumultous friendship with. This is the fourth time this person has turned their back on me, and each time it happens, it hurts worse than the previous. There’s not much difference with this instance, it’s the same scenario of someone interfering and me being called every name under the sun and then completely cut off. And of course, once again, I’m left to question how this person was ever really a good friend to begin with, considering I was never allowed to speak for myself because everyone else’s opinions matter except for the person who was apparently the root of the problem, i.e. me. Basically, I’ve been pegged as a liar, a fabricator of stories concerning other people. While yes, there is a liar involved in all of this, unfortunately, the wrong person has been labeled as such. I could simply speak to the witnesses of each story, people who were by my side during each of those memorable encounters with those in question. But rather than involve others in useless drama, I chose to walk away from it, an action which I was commended for only a couple of weeks prior to this occurance. Which, of course, only resulted in making me look guilty. I was also accused of a few more rather deplorable actions, which are not true and were fabricated to further drive the person’s campaign against me. On top of that, my family was involved in an issue that had nothing to do with them.
Granted, I’m not entirely innocent in all of this. A lot of the issues I’ve had in the past couple of years are due to what I believe is karma. Throughout my teens and into adulthood, I’ve suffered from bipolar disorder, which is a chemical imbalance in my brain that effects my moods. My mood swings are extreme in nature, and change without warning. The unfortunate part of that is the fact that the people that I do care most about are the ones who see the nastiest side of me. And rather than face it and take responsibility for it, I tend to walk away from it and act as though it never happened. I tend to act on impulse most of the time, even going as far as acting on impulse without ever really thinking or realizing what I’m doing.
One example of the aforementioned is the one event in my life where it went from what I now realize was privileged and blessed to unfulfilling, depressing and shameful. The date - December 15th, 2005. I’d gone park hopping with my boyfriend at the time and some friends, and I simply chose not to go home. I didn’t go home for an entire week. Not THAT big of a deal right? Well, maybe it wouldn’t have been…if I didn’t leave behind an 11 month old baby girl. Thanks to my own stupidity and selfishness, my daughter has no bond to me, and knows not of who I am. Everyday, I wake up and go to bed with this reality. She is now 4 years old, and is getting ready to start school in the fall. I’ve missed many of her firsts in her life, and with this upcoming one, I’ve resolved not to miss out on it. I want to be there with her and my mother, her legal guardian, the day she first walks into her classroom and meets her teacher. I want to be there to cry hysterically as I watch my baby wander off, the beautiful sweet little girl who I so wrongfully neglected for so long. As much as I’m dreading that day, I want to be there for it, simply because I’ve missed out on so many other things in her adorably perfect little life, one that from my point of view seems to have gone so much better than I could have ever hoped to provide for her, one that seems so much better off without me in it and one that I’m so scared to try to return to for fear of screwing up her blessed existence, as I’ve screwed up everything else I’ve touched.
In exchange for trying to be “independent”, I’ve given up everything that meant the world to me…only at the time, I didn’t realize how much it all truly meant to me. The old addage of “You don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone” stands true: I didn’t realize how amazing my life at that point truly was until I turned my back on it. I had everything a person could possibly ask for in life: The dream job, a car, a stable roof over my head and a family who did everything to make sure my little one and I were comfortable and well taken care of. Everyday I look at what’s left of me in the mirror and I wonder how I could have possibly let myself sink as low as I am, how I could have possibly paved such a vast path of destruction and caused so many people such pain in such a short amount of time. I apparently was not only hellbent on destroying myself but those around me as well. I’m so terribly battered and bruised in my own life that I somehow make sure that everyone else feels my pain just as deeply as I do, if not worse.
I’ve been told repeatedly lately to look in the mirror, not only to see if my former self is still somehow present, but because my only true friend in the world is the girl staring back at me. There is no truth to either statement. Not only do I not recognize any part of the girl looking back at me - I simultaneously hate, loathe and despise whoever she is because she is an absolutely atrociously callous creature.
I am not writing this to make any of you pity me. I don’t deserve it in any way, shape or form. But you’re all correct in your accusations of my needing to seek help. Unfortunately, due to my limited means, I am unable to do so. I figured that this is the next best thing, being completely honest with every thought, with every feeling, with completely every aspect of my physical, emotional and mental being.
Bash it if you feel you must, I’m sure I deserve it to some extent.
